The reason that I decided to become a counsellor is that I have experienced many challenges in my own life, and have learned and grown from all of them. Much of that growth has been supported and encouraged by good counseling from some wonderful people, and it is a huge gift to be able to play that role in the lives of others.
The most significant challenge that I have faced is the death of my son Chris when he was 32 years old. There is no need to explain here the love and connection that a parent feels for their child, no matter how old they are. He died 14 years ago and the pain still goes deep, although my capacity to bear it has become stronger over time, especially as I share it with others who are newer in their journey of grief and loss.
There are many lessons that I have learned as a result of losing my son. The first is to always celebrate, appreciate and enjoy every opportunity to be with those I care about. Many times I have reflected on the last time that I saw him. I am so grateful that we parted in love, with a hug, and our common way of parting, “I love you.” “I love you too!” It was a huge gift that we were on good terms, as it had not always been so, given that he had had a challenging adolescence, and I did not always handle it well. This is what drives my passion to support, encourage, and help other parents to navigate the challenges of raising children, and is why I have focused much of my counseling practice on doing so.
The second is to embrace, celebrate, and enjoy every single moment of my life, as I learned at a very deep level, that we truly only have today. Tomorrow is never guaranteed, so let’s not waste time on unimportant things. I am responsible for my happiness, regardless of what is going on in my life. Knowing that, I can take control of my feelings, thoughts and behaviors, and release others to live their lives freely.
The third is to practice forgiveness and love of others every day in every way! Forgiveness has to come first, as any time that I am in judgment, thinking that someone else has done something that they shouldn’t have done or not done something that they should have done, I am blocking the pathway to being able to fully love and accept them. Being aware of my own “stuff” allows me to see where I am wrong, and allows me to make amends when appropriate.
The last, and possibly the hardest and most important is to forgive myself. PHEW! Is there a parent out there who doesn’t feel some guilt over all the things we got wrong? I loved my children so deeply that it sometimes hurt, but I came from a difficult background, and lacked the tools and knowledge to be the mother that I wished I could have been. It has been a source of great sorrow to look back and see all the mistakes that I made. I have had to accept that I truly did the best I knew at the time, and to let myself off the cross and stop blaming myself. I cannot change the past, but I can learn from it and try my best to not make the same mistakes in the future. If I can’t forgive myself, I am not able to practice what I believe God wants for me today. So, on a daily basis, I choose to love myself, accept myself, and ask God to fill me up with His forgiveness, love, peace and joy so that I can go out into the world and share it with others. That’s where I live from today, and for that, I am eternally grateful!
